


...and that would be awful

by Colby



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Comedy, Explicit Language, F/M, One Shot, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27177793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colby/pseuds/Colby
Summary: Dee and Charlie went WAY too overboard on these new drugs.
Relationships: Charlie Kelly & Dee Reynolds
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	...and that would be awful

**Author's Note:**

> Just a fun, cracky idea that popped into my head one day.

Dee let out a groan as she turned over. Her head felt weird, like it was stuffed with cotton. Though, yet, there was also the sensation of not having eaten in days. All she could remember was she and Charlie swiping some drug off one of Cricket’s street rat friends, and then returning to her place to give it a try. 

She stretched, hoping the movement would ease her brain a bit. Her eyes shot open when her right hand touched a warm body beside her. _Shit_. What the hell did she and Charlie do last night? Oh god, please not another def poetry night.

Well, she could tell she was fully clothed, which was a _goddamned_ relief. And he was wearing a shirt, so at least there was less of a chance that they had done something really stupid. Or more stupid than usual. 

Though, she couldn’t exactly remember much. The images were fuzzy. Something about the city? And maybe a hallway? Wait, shit. She hoped he wasn’t going to go on about what she’d done to him, again. She didn't need to feel any more shame right now. Anyway, it hadn’t stopped him from cornering her in the back office the other day... 

_Fuck._ Not what she needed to remember. 

Sitting up slightly, Dee looked around. It was her room, but it looked different. Since when was her bed on this side of the room? Come to think of it, she didn’t recognize this room at all. It definitely wasn’t her bedroom, and the way it seemed to end at a door, it wasn’t Charlie and Frank’s apartment either. 

_Shit._

Turning her head, Dee looked out the window. She didn’t recognize the view there either. What the hell??? Where were they? 

“What the hell…?” She said out loud, sitting up. Beside her, Charlie stirred slightly. 

Dee closed her eyes, willing everything to disappear, hoping it was all a giant hallucination. Hell, she’d even accept it as a joke that the guys were pulling on her. She put her hand over her eyes to help them wake up. Something solid hit her eyelid. Her eyes flew open as she looked down at a certain finger on her right hand. 

_Shit, is that...a FUCKING wedding ring?_

There was no denying it, the simple gold band twinkled in the morning light. The diamond itself was ridiculously small, and clearly fake. It was probably bought at some dollar store. But there was no doubt about what it was supposed to be. 

_FUCK._

“Charlie!” She yelled. He better wake his ass up because she was _not_ going to stay in a bed with him. Actually, yeah, that was a good idea. She jumped out of bed. 

“Mm…come on, boy, I won’t hurt you,” he murmured. Dee wrinkled her nose. He’d better be talking to a rat or something. 

“Charlie! Wake the hell up!” She yelled again. 

He sat up groggily. “What the hell, Dee?” He looked up at her. His hair looked more tousled than usual. 

“What the hell? What the _hell_ are we doing in a bed, together!?” She demanded. She looked him up and down. From what she could see, he was also fully clothed. Good. So she wasn’t a total idiot…again, after all. 

“Wait, what do you mean, what the hell are we doing? You don’t remember?” 

Dee stared at him. _What the fuck._ "What?" 

“Oh, shit.” He muttered, as he stared at her with that indecipherable look he sometimes has. 

“What? What, Charlie? What the hell is it?” 

“You mean you don’t remember _anything_?” He almost looked panicked at the thought as he jumped to his feet. 

“No, I don’t! I just said that.” He was really pissing her off. More so than usual, anyways. “Now tell me what the hell is going on.” 

“Those drugs from Cricket! We sniffed them and they must have, like, given us a major high." 

Well, she'd figured _that_. “Yeah. So?” 

“I don’t know, like, this drug was weird. You know highs usually last a day, two days if we’re lucky.” He was giving her a weird look. “But I guess it lasted a lot longer on you.” 

Shit, this didn’t sound good. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, you know, you suggested we get married. Like, at City Hall.” 

“What?” There was _no fucking way_ she had heard that correctly. 

“Yeah, like, you wanted to stick it to the guys that you weren’t going to end up an old maid.” 

She stared at him. None of what Charlie was saying was making any goddamn sense to her. Was she still high? Was _he_ high? Actually, speaking of that. 

“What? And you actually agreed to that?” 

He shrugged. “Yeah, you know, you’re allowed to travel out of the country if you’re married,” he said by way of explanation. “I’ve always wanted to see New Mexico.” 

Even though everything he’d just sputtered was wrong in every way possible, Dee moved past it. There were more important things she was worried about. The fact that they had _married_ each other, for one. She'd almost rather they _had_ woken up with no clothes on. 

“Well, then, we have to go fix this!” She stormed toward the mirrored doors that she figured led to the closet. She hoped, at the very least, that she still recognized her same old wardrobe. 

“Wait, what??!” Confusion was written all over his face. 

“Charlie, I am _not_ staying married to you. We are going right down to City Hall and getting this shit annulled!” 

The confusion on his face turned to panic at this news. “No, Dee! We can’t just do that.” He held up his hands, as if trying to stop her from doing something stupid. 

“Why the fuck not?” There was _no reason_ that she’d ever remain married to him. 

Almost in answer to her question, the door to the bedroom suddenly burst open and two little figures bounded in. “Mommy! Daddy!” they squealed in unison, leaping up onto the bed.


End file.
